I'm Shippin' Out to Boston!

Boy, my new job sure is travel-intensive! Be back Monday...

An Atheist Abroad

I just got back from a business trip to Italy. I stayed in Riva del Garda
and VeronaEverywhere I went, Obama's image was on the covers of newspapers and magazines, and his election was the main topic of conversation. Everyone was just so excited and optimistic. It was great!

I know these pictures are kind of shitty, but I was working, so what photos I did take were taken on the fly.

Tags: italy, riva del garda, verona

Shame on You!

Proposition 8 passed.

This is a sad, shameful day for California. Religious nuts spent millions saturating the airwaves with detestable lies in order to legalize discrimination.

I have a question for all you followers out there: Now that your leaders have outed themselves, as it were, as lying sacks of shit, do you wonder what else they might be lying to you about?

Sigh.

Probably not. I mean, if decades of unchecked boy-fucking didn't turn people away from the Cult of the Cannibals, why on earth would the mere telling of lies, no matter how outrageous, prompt anyone to question the holy divinations of a convicted fraud?


Tags: religion, prop 8, mormons, lds, joseph smith was a big fat douche

w00t! President Obama!

And yes, as a matter of fact, I am drunk. I'm celebrating, ferchristssake!



I'm still sweating the propositions here in California, though, especially 8. As exciting and uplifting as tonight has been, it'll be a sad goddamned day if we actually amend our constitution in order to exclude people. Fucking Mormons!

Election 08: A Supernatural Pissing Contest

More proof that religious people are idiots and should just shut the fuck up already:

Before McCain spoke, a Christian pastor offered a prayer that seemed to ask* for divine intervention on his behalf. "There are millions of people around this world praying to their God -- whether it's Hindu,** Buddha, Allah -- that [McCain's] opponent wins for a variety of reasons," Pastor Arnold Conrad said. "And, Lord, I pray that you would guard your own reputation, because they're going to think that their god is bigger than you, if that happens."

I have a couple of questions for this dumb hillbilly piss-ignorant hick pastor and his ilk: First of all, are you really so poorly informed that you think Hindu and Buddha are gods? Secondly, aren’t Christians supposed to be monotheists? And finally, why should an allegedly omniscient and all-powerful deity give a rat’s ass about the opinions of mere mortals?

Jesus F. Christ, these people are a national embarrassment.


*Really? “Lord, I pray for divine intervention” only seems like a prayer for divine intervention?

** Pastor Conrad's conception of The Great and Powerful Hindu:




Tags: religion, fundie follies, pastor arnold conrad, wtf?

“It’s G-g-g-good That You D-d-d-did That—It’s Real Good!”

“I don’t like people who don’t like me!”—god


Lately I’ve been hearing/reading interviews with disaster survivors (Hurricane Ike in Houston and the Galveston Bay area, the Metrolink train accident here in California) who are asked to discuss their brushes with death.

I don’t know if that many folks really attribute their survival to the intervention of a supernatural being or if the interviews are edited in favor of those who do, but it appears that a lot of people still give props to a higher power.

People seem terrified by the whimsical nature of their god and so afraid of incurring its wrath that, no matter what, they try their hardest to spin great misfortune as a positive development—which always reminds me of the classic Twilight Zone episode, “It’s a Good Life”:



Spot-on, isn't it?

Tags: religion, the twilight zone, hurricane ike, metrolink

What Do You Do...

...when you haven't posted anything for a while and you think you should, but you're too tired lazy drunk to actually compose something? Why, throw up a Blogthings, of course!

You Are Boxing

You are assertive, strong, and downright aggressive. You have the power to demolish your opponent... And you have the endurance to make sure the job is finished. (That's me, all right...)

What Olympic Sport Are You?

Tags: blogthings, beer blogging

I’m the King o’ the Cats!

When I was a little girl, the The King of the Cats was one of my favorite stories. If you don’t know the tale, it goes something like this:

One cold winter’s evening the sexton's wife was sitting by the fireside with her big black cat, Old Tom, on the other side, both half asleep and waiting for the master to come home. They waited and they waited, till at last he came rushing in, calling out, 'Who's Tommy Tildrum?' in such a wild way that both his wife and his cat stared at him to know what was the matter.

'Why, what's the matter?' said his wife, 'and why do you want to know who Tommy Tildrum is?'

'Oh, I've had such an adventure! I was digging old Mr. Henry's grave when I guess I must have fallen asleep, and I only woke up by hearing a cat's Meow.'

'Meow!' said Old Tom in answer.

'Yes, just like that! So I looked over the edge of the grave, and what do you think I saw?'

'Now, how should I know?' said the sexton's wife.

'Why, nine black cats all like our friend Tom here, all with white chests. And what do you think they were carrying? Why, a small coffin covered with a black velvet pall, and on the pall was a small crown all of gold, and at every third step they took they cried all together, Meow—'

'Meow!' said Old Tom again.

'Yes, just like that!' said the sexton; 'and as they came nearer and nearer to me I could see them more distinctly because their eyes shone out with a sort of green light. Well, they all came toward me, eight of them carrying the coffin, and the biggest cat of all walking in front for all the world like—but look at our Tom, how he's looking at me. You'd think he knew all I was saying.'

'Go on, go on,' said his wife; 'never mind Old Tom.'

'Well, as I was saying, they came toward me slowly and solemnly, and at every third step crying all together, Meow—'

'Meow!' said Old Tom again.

'Yes, just like that, till they came and stood right opposite Mr. Henry's grave, where I was, when they all stood still and looked straight at me. I did feel queer, that I did! But look at Old Tom; he's looking at me just like they did.'

'Go on, go on,' said his wife; 'never mind Old Tom.'

'Where was I? Oh, they stood still looking at me, when the one that wasn't carrying the coffin came forward and, staring straight at me, said to me—yes, I tell you, said to me, with a squeaky voice, "Tell Tom Tildrum that Tim Toldrum's dead," and that's why I asked you if you knew who Tom Tildrum was, for how can I tell Tom Tildrum Tim Toldrum's dead if I don't know who Tom Tildrum is?'

'Look at Old Tom, look at Old Tom!' screamed his wife.

And well he might look, for Tom was swelling and Tom was staring, and at last Tom shrieked out, 'What—old Tom's dead? Then I'm the King o' the Cats!' and rushed up the chimney and was nevermore seen.

Neat, huh?

I’ve been thinking about this story a lot lately because, quite out of the blue, the owner of the company I work for offered me the Director position. . .

. . .and today I officially accepted her offer.

MEEE-OW!



Tags: king o’ the cats, folklore, olio, now what?

image

Really?

8000 people gathered in Laguna Niguel yesterday to moon passing Amtrak trains:

The crowd, which included children with their parents as well as middle-aged adults -- stood on the shoulder of a road parallel to the tracks to show themselves. The sideshow included barbecues, T-shirt sales and RV parties.

I’d never heard of this tradition before, so I Googled it and found the event Website. Apparently, the show is a real hit with passengers, and the trains actually slow down so people can get a better look.


Weird.

Tags: mooning amtrak, laguna niguel, orange county, wtf

92%? Holy Crap!

Today’s LA Times cites a recent Pew survey which found that “92% of Americans believe in god or a universal spirit.” The Times poll asking its readers the same question, however, shows believers (so far) at 43.8% and the godless at 56.3%. Hooray for Hollywood!

Tags: religion, superstition, atheism

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits!

“Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers.”



Tags: george carlin, seven words you can never say on television

“If There’s Success”

Preznit Shitferbrains, momentarily forgetting to say we’re kickin’ ass:

We all want to take troops out of Iraq and we are. He [Gordon Brown], by the way, left a lot of troops in, more so than they thought they were going to leave in initially, and so we communicate now and, if there's success, we're going to pull troops out and I have absolutely no problem how GB is managing the Iraqi effort.

Tags: george w bush, moron, douchebag, sociopath, iraq

Breaking News: Semi-Literate Hillbillies Don’t Much Cotton to Colored Fellers

Listen to this piss-ignorant cracker explain why he won’t vote for B. HUSSEIN Obama:

'We'll end up slaves. We'll be made slaves just like they was once slaves,' he said. Telvor, a white Democrat who supported Hillary Clinton in West Virginia's primary, said he planned to vote for Republican John McCain in November. 'At least he's an American,' he added with a disarmingly friendly smile.

Here’s the money quote:

'Obama might actually be the antichrist'

Hmm: Religious and racist. Isn’t that the strangest thing?

Tags: obama, racist, racism, hillbillies, wtf

And Now For Something Completely Different

Islanders from Lesbos sue gay group over use of ‘Lesbian’ in name.

Tags: lesbian, lesbos, wtf

Long Time No Blog

Golly, where to begin: mr. olio underwent emergency surgery and a weeks-long recovery period. He’s fine now, praise be to medical science! Life had barely got back to normal when olioboy announced his impending nuptials (he’s all growns up!). The mr. and I had a lot of fun buying fancy weddin’ duds and ordering wedding gifts, then it was off to the week-long celebration. The ceremony itself was absolutely lovely—it was held outdoors on a picture-perfect day (yes, it was secular).

And those are just the high points!

And Now, A Word from The President

Obama, Clinton: I really don’t care at this point. Either way, it sure will be nice to have a non-retarded president for a change.

THE PRESIDENT: General Ray Odierno served for 30 months in Iraq. He's nominated to Vice Chairman of the Army.* And I asked him to come in for several reasons. One, I wanted to thank him. And in thanking the General, I'm really thanking everybody who has worn the uniform and served in this war against the extremists and terrorists. And in thanking the General, I'm also thanking Mrs. Odierno, and every wife or every husband whose spouse has been far away from home and is serving.
And in listening to the General, I was listening carefully to make sure that the decisions that had been made were the right decisions, and that the progress that's being made is real. This is a man who was there when times looked grim and a man who observed firsthand progress that was made as a result of the surge.**
He is a straightforward fellow who gave me his candid advice on how best to proceed—not necessarily with troop levels because that study is going on now, but in making sure that we continue programs such as what's called the CERP money. This is money for our commanders to make—to help these local folks rebuild and reconcile.
And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq. *** You were the—you and General Petraeus were a unbelievably strong one-two combination.
And my call and my assurance, sir, is that the gains that you and your teams have made will continue on, because stakes in Iraq are essential for peace, essential for freedom and essential for the security of this country. I'm honored to be your Commander-in-Chief. .

* Wrong again, fuckwit: He was nominated to be Vice Chief of Staff.

** But it's all sunshine and soda pop now, I guess. Honestly, does he think we’re as stupid as he is?

*** Classic!

Tags: george w bush, douchebag, semi-literate, wtf

Sharia Law: Decidedly Not PC

An Afghan college student downloaded an article and was sentenced to death by religious “scholars” who “lacked the sophistication to understand the difference between downloading an article and writing it.”

Here’s the money quote:

"The judges did not even know the difference between a keyboard and a monitor."

And why should they? As any religious kook will tell you, the modern world is a wicked, wicked place. The Bronze Age, however, was awesome.


Tags: islam, sharia law, fundie follies, wtf

Overheard. . .

…on the way to my polling place this morning:

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to assume that a black man will become president before a woman does—after all, black men were granted the right to vote before women were.

…at the market this afternoon:

The machines didn’t work—I wouldn’t be surprised if all us Democrats just voted for George Bush again!

Tags: super tuesday, barack obama, hillary clinton, 15th amendment, 19th amendment, voting machines

The Dream

Tags: greydon square, atheism, youtube

One For the Books

Christian men regret having “had abortions”:

In the end, Aubert says his moral objection to abortion always wins. If he could go back in time, he would try to save the babies.

But would his long-ago girlfriends agree? Or might they also consider the abortions a choice that set them on a better path?

Aubert looks startled. "I never really thought about it for the woman," he says slowly.

Jeebus.

Tags: reproductive rights, fundie follies, wtf

Peggy Pans Poofing, Prefers Paralysis

Another kernel of wisdom from Peggy “feminists killed John Wayne” Noonan:

John Edwards is not reasonable. . .we can't have a president who spent two minutes on YouTube staring in a mirror and poofing his hair. Really, we just can't.

That’s right! Everyone knows a president is supposed to spend seven minutes on YouTube, staring into space while shitting his pants:


That, we can have. Really.

Tags: peggy noonan, john edwards, george bush, wtf

Toy, Bear, Blasphemy, Islam: There’s Got to be a Pun Here Somewhere

A British teacher working in Sudan has been jailed for naming a teddy bear “Muhammad.” She’ll spend a few weeks behind bars then be deported, having “escaped harsher punishment that could have included up to 40 lashes, six months in prison and a fine.”

The blaspheming bear didn’t fare so well, though:

The bear’s battered corpse is displayed in the town square. To its right hangs the body of Fareeq, a plush representation of an openly gay field mouse.
image


Tags: muhammad the bear, fundie follies, religion, superstition

The Family Unit

As envisioned by the forced-childbirth movement:

Father

(m)Other

Person*

*Status subject to change at birth

Tags: reproductive rights, forced childbirth

Warning: Contains Nuts/Nut Products

Hey, kids! Turn your secular candy into righteous Mormon candy!

Mmm! Celestial Cleaning!

And why eat a miniature Mr. Goodbar® when you can enjoy a delicious mini-Gordon B. Hinckley instead?



Tags: mormon, lds, gordon b. hinckley

I Had No Idea Such Things Went On!

A few nights ago mr. olio and I watched Darkon, a documentary about a group of people in Maryland who. . .well, I don’t want to spoil it for you. If you haven’t seen it yet, look for it on IFC—it’s amusingly unusual!

Tags: darkon

The Strike: Week Two

The writer’s strike looks like it’s going to go on for a while, which means we here at chez olio are tightening our belts. We weathered the ’01 strike okay, so we’re not too worried yet.

Here’s hoping everyone gets through this without too much hardship.

You can show your support for the WGA by signing the online petition here.

Tags: writer’s strike

Déjà vu

All over again:

[T]he fortunes of the bottom 50 percent of Americans are worsening, with that group earning 12.8 percent of all income in 2005, down from 13.4 percent the year before, the paper said.

[. . .]

[W]hile the IRS data goes back only to 1986, academic research suggests that the last time wealthy Americans had such a high percentage of the national income pie was in the 1920s.

Hmm…the 1920s, you say? The decade that began in the grip of the red scare? When anti-immigrant sentiments were high and the Ku Klux Klan was resurgent? The decade that brought us the infamous Scopes Monkey trial?

Oh. That sounds about right..

Tags: us economy, class warfare

Old Blackwater, Keep on Rollin’

We’ve all heard the infamous Blackwater story by now:

A convoy carrying diplomats was approaching the square when a second Blackwater convoy, positioned on the square in advance to control traffic, opened fire.

But what I haven’t heard is who these “diplomats” (referred to as “State Department officials” in this account) are or if they’ve been called to give their version of the incident. Am I the only one who’s curious?

Today, the AP reports that “Iraqi authorities want the U.S. government to sever all contracts in Iraq with Blackwater USA within six months. They also want the firm to pay $8 million in compensation to families of each of the 17 people killed when its guards sprayed a traffic circle with heavy machine gun fire last month.” Further, they’d like “U.S. authorities to hand over the Blackwater security agents involved in the Sept. 16 shootings to face possible trial in Iraqi courts.”

Do you think Blackwater, with its “essential of core corporate values—chief among [them] integrity, innovation, excellence, respect, accountability, and teamwork,” will go for that?

And speaking of accountability, Blackwater founder Eric Prince is on the board of Christian Freedom International, which, according to the Better Business Bureau, does not meet required standards for "Charity Accountability.” Go figure…

Tags: blackwater, iraq

Babs Bush: Nix to Flick Chick’s Sick Shtick!

“And, let’s face it, if the mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddamned wars in the first place.”
“Oh, you silly little naïf! Most soldiers are underprivileged anyway, so this war is working out very well for them…”
“Yeah! Suck it, Sally! This war is my god now!”

Tags: sally field, barbara bush, kathy griffin, 2007 emmy awards

An Open Letter to Wal-Mart

Dear Wal-Mart,

Recently, I had an epiphany while watching a DVD that contained footage of your inspiring Wal-Mart cheer. For some strange reason, as the associates writhed about while screaming “Give me a squiggly!” I envisioned the sacred spermatozoa. That got me to thinking about Wal-Mart’s prudent decision to forgo selling emergency contraception, which is the reason for this letter.

What is Wal-Mart’s policy regarding prescriptions for Viagra or Cialis? In other words, before making erections physically possible, are Wal-Mart pharmacists certain that they are morally permissible? If not, I sincerely ask that you immediately re-think company policy. I suggest that all male customers tendering such a prescription be required to show a valid certificate of marriage. Further, these men’s wives should have to accompany them and show proper identification. That way, your pharmacists will know that each man is in a monogamous, church-and-state-approved union to a woman of childbearing age. Otherwise, Wal-Mart might be unwittingly abetting these men in wasting their “squigglies” on some of the same wanton women who request emergency contraception—thoughtless women who all too late regret having had sex for pure pleasure or, in the case of rape, having been foolish enough to travel about unchaperoned.

In closing, I highly commend you for your virtuous resolution to withhold emergency contraception from women. Doing so was an important step, but I fervently hope it was but the first step toward a glorious era of truly righteous retail.

Sincerely Yours,

Lee

PS: I will write again soon with my thoughts on makeup, tank tops, and beer, all of which, unfortunately, you continue to distribute with reckless disregard.

Tags: wal-mart, emergency contraception, boner pills